It is the last day of Ramadhan. I realize that I should be grateful to still be able to live through this blessed month. However it really does make me feel awful, the fact that I don't/couldn't make the most out of it this year. I use both the words don't and couldn't because maybe I really don't, like maybe it was me and my lazy ass. Maybe I was too busy prepping myself for finals. Or perhaps it's because I couldn't because I've been on my period twice this Ramadhan. Well, I think so. I'm not so sure myself because my period cycle has been really weird. And I couldn't tell if I'm actually on period or not, because I don't think this has ever occurred to me before, well at least not in Ramadhan. Therefore due to all these matters I just feel mad at myself. Because I was really looking forward to this month yet when it arrives I didn't really get to do what I've intended to do since months ago. Those couple of days of fasting only felt physically but not mentally nor spiritually. Last Monday was the hardest, I was down with a fever, my head pounded, my throat was sore and my phlegm was covered with blood. I can't help but to wonder if God is mad at me for some reason, that I am somehow not welcomed to celebrate Ramadhan the way I normally do. Or maybe I think too much. I know this sounds as if I'm having negative thoughts towards God but what if He really is mad at me? I am fully aware that I may not have done much during the previous Ramadhans but this time it felt almost as if I'm left out. Like I'm not even in this month, you know? And now I don't even feel like celebrating Raya. I really don't feel like I deserve it. I may have been super excited about Ramadhan and Raya but right now, honestly, I no longer am.
No comments:
Post a Comment