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Have you ever been so confused? Like, you have to make a really tough decision and you just know how bad you are with decisions. Yeah, that point where you just couldn't stand the pressure, the "what ifs" that resound in your head. You wanna know what's next. You need to know what's next. You need to know if this thing/person is good for you. You need to know. So freaking bad. 

I understand that feeling, trust me. I have been through that. To the point that I decided that I should be performing solat istikharah. The first time I performed it was about 3 years back, in which... I'm not really sure if it counts. Because one should be doing it either 3 or 7 nights in a row. But I only did once. I cried... I cried hard that night, in my sujud. God knows how broken I was.

The person I wished to see in my dreams didn't appear but he texted me the next morning. So I thought that was the sign. I thought yeah maybe the sign is not in the form of a dream, maybe it's the text... right? Wrong. Because the next couple of weeks God showed me. And it is all very clear of why things happened the way it happened.

Recently, in the last 10 days of Ramadhan, I decided to perform istikharah once again. My logic was that there is no satan during Ramadhan, that means if I were to dream, the dream is real and won't be interrupted by satan and so it's.. real dreams and not merely mainan tidur. I don't know if that makes sense to any of you but yeah whatever. So I searched for the steps and found Shafiqolbu's wordpress. I personally like how he elaborates, very comprehensive. I refer to his site for another solat sunat too. Before performing solat istikharah, 

Alhamdulillah, nothing got in my way, mentally and physically. Like nope, I won't take texts as signs anymore. Haha. Each time I prayed, I hoped I would get a dream that is vivid, that shows what I should be doing or what another person is doing that is strong enough to make me decide. However, out of the three nights, I only had a dream on the first night. And the person who sat next to me was a person that I didn't really expect to be in my dreams. At all. 

I also had the strongest will to cut a person out of my life. I'm not sure if I should trust myself on that. They say signs should come either in the form of a dream or conscience. I have always believed that things like this would take time for us to truly understand. We can't rush into making decisions, well, especially me because I know I'm very emotional. So I have to take my time to understand what I have seen and feel. 

I have not told anyone about this. As in, who and what exactly. Not even the person himself. For now, it is safe to just play it cool and not be too obsessed on what I know. Or what I think I know. Just gonna wait for a couple of years and we'll see, I guess?

Just to make it clear, I am not writing this to show off or anything. I am here merely to express and share. If anyone has performed istikharah before, I hope you don't mind sharing your experience with me. I need to know what it's like from other people too.