The Effusion of A Brokenhearted

 

 

 

I always thought that I had been encountering all the wrong men before you but now I realize that you are the worst. Whenever I think of the reason why we broke up, I can feel like my old wounds start bleeding again. Of all the reasons, why must you have a bit on the side? To THAT level, really? If you really didn't have feelings for me anymore, why didn't you just man up and tell me straight away? 

I guess we both know the answer. Because you knew I loved you. So much. Too much. I always thought you loved me more. I used to think that it was me who always hurts you. Like I was the bad guy. You made me feel that way. You made people think that way. Because you were scared. You were scared to confront your own mistakes which are far worse than what I did. 

So you went on questioning me if I still loved you when you knew I really did. To me it only felt like it was you who was questioning your love towards me. You even used the fact that I have guy friends that I'm close with, as your weapon to attack me. I never once thought that you would use that against me. At least you knew what I did. I never kept secrets from you. I told you everything. You know that I know my limits. Just because I go out with them, it doesn't mean that I love you less. 

And you know what's even more ironic? The person who seemed faultless, who seemed to get jealous all the time, the person who seemed to care and fight more for this relationship, was the one who cheated. And how foolish of you to think that after cheating to that level, would I forgive you and start it all over again, just like that. And when I refused to, how did you even dare to say, "...but it's been 4 years." Did you NOT think of that before you act recklessly? 

I bet you will miss the girl who used to sneak to your house when your family is around to hand over to you the little things she made for you like the crazy long love letters, the chicken chop she just learned to make at school.. You will miss the girl who sneaked to your workplace with your friends, a day after your 19th birthday and brought pizzas instead of cake because she knows too well that you always loved pizza. You will miss the girl who never stopped cherishing the brown hair and eyes that God has blessed you with. You will miss the girl who used to nag at you every time you make grammar errors and made you do an exercise on grammar in her book on a bench at a freaking shopping mall. You will miss the girl who used to constantly remind you to read Al-Kahfi every Friday. You will miss the girl who used to offend you in every way possible when it comes to religion because she loved you so much, she wanted to make a better person out of you. You will miss the girl who wrote about you and how you changed her life in her English SPM paper and got an A for it. You will miss the only girl who writes about you, and only she can give you all sort of feels, through writing and every other thing she did for you. You will miss the girl who loved you so dearly, the girl who had so much faith in you, until you pushed her to the highest limit where she swears she could no longer believe anymore.

I hope by now you would realize that even when you already have another soul in your arms, the love could never be as strong as what we once had.